It’s Not Just About The Gear

Ensuring that your kids are well equipped for camp is definitely a good idea, but a meaningful camp experience for your son or daughter demands a kind of ‘psychological outfitting.’

Each summer, parents find themselves poring over camp gear checklists obsessing about everything from rain gear (should we go with Goretex or coated nylon?) to sleeping bags (mummy or rectangular?). At some camps, even Pokemon trading cards make the list!

According to C.G. Stephens, director of Northwaters Wilderness Programs in Temagami, Ontario, the parents’ role in creating a positive experience for their child at camp is multi-faceted and crucial.

“In our programs, young people travel by canoe through some of the most rugged and remote areas of northern Ontario and Quebec,” says Stephens. “They learn about the land, each other, and most importantly themselves. I cannot stress enough the importance of the parents’ role in mentally and spiritually equipping their children for these experiences!”

Before Your Child Sets Foot at Camp . . .

For some young people, apprehension builds as camp approaches. “Every kid is afraid that they might be the one that doesn’t fit in,” says Stephens. “It’s advantageous for parents to get their children to talk about that – to hear them out and tell them it’s O.K. to be worried. Then they can offer strategies for dealing with this stuff.”

According to Stephens, another common fear among children is that they won’t be big enough or strong enough to handle some of the camp excursions. “This is when you can emphasize your child’s positive attributes – things you’ve noticed during the past year and are proud of. Show them that if they carry these strengths into their camp experience it will serve them well.”

Stephens also stresses the importance of informing the camp about any issues or challenges your child has recently experienced. Many camps provide space on their application forms for this purpose. (If not, write directly to the program director.) A child may have experienced a traumatic event prior to coming to camp, or there may be areas of personal development that need attention. “Parents often ask us to help kids develop self confidence, accept responsibility or learn to work with others,” Stephens says. The information helps camp staff place the children in appropriate groups and look after special needs, if applicable.

Well-designed camp programs help young people move from childhood into adolescence and through adolescence into adulthood. The experiences offered at Northwaters and other camps include isolation from parents and familiar surroundings, journeys in the wilderness, physical challenges and periods of introspection. They also involve looking to adult mentors as guides and accepting new roles and responsibilities. “Parents can be supportive partners in their kids going out and having their own experiences,” Stephens says. “If kids have to be responsible and make decisions for themselves at an early age, they will ultimately be better prepared to deal with the freedom of leaving home. (Many of us have watched university peers ‘crash and burn’ early because being away at school was their very first taste of freedom!)”

“Remind your kids that they will be on their own at camp and that they will have to make some decisions for themselves,” Stephens suggests. “Stress that they will have responsibilities and will have to deal with the consequences,” he says. “The key, however, is to underline that you know they are mature enough to handle it. This can go a long way in building a young person’s self esteem and confidence.”

Responsibilities assigned at camps are age dependent. “Programs are designed to meet the specific needs of young people at different stages of maturity and development,” says Stephens. “A ten year old’s camp experience will be more structured and will involve less decision making than a 15 year old’s, for example.”

Depending on the type of camp experience selected, children may end up far away from their element: the result is often homesickness. Once again, parents can help their children deal with this problem by talking about it in advance. “Tell them it’s natural to feel that way,” says Stephens. “Tell them about a time when you were homesick. They may not believe it will happen to them, but they’ll remember your story when the homesickness strikes.”

Being among strangers frees children up to try new things. “Strangers don’t support you behaving the way you always have,” says Stephens. “So camp is an opportunity for young people to make choices about how they want to act and who they want to be. Will they stand in the background and just wait, watch and follow? Will they be up front and first for everything? Will they play the clown and make jokes? Or will they look out for other kids? Parents may want to ask their children how they intend to approach the experience.”

“The wonderful thing about outdoors/wilderness camps is that everyone is generally on equal footing,” explains Stephens. “Most kids have little wilderness experience, so it’s not like a sports camp where you find stars and novices. At camps like Northwaters, many kids discover new strengths and talents and stand out for the first time in their lives. Their peers look to them for leadership and it really builds confidence,” he says.

Each year, parents should reflect on their child’s personal growth and assess whether the camp experience being considered is really what’s needed at this point in their lives. “Familiarity with a particular camp, its kids and staff can be a good thing if a child’s home life is unstable,” explains Stephens. “In fact, camp can then become the one constant in a child’s life. But if things are stable at home and the child seems to be coasting at camp, they might be better served by a bit of a stretch – perhaps a new type of camp experience.”

Gone But Not Forgotten

How parents communicate with their kids at camp can have a critical impact on the child’s experience. Camp may be the first time a child has been outside their parents’ direct sphere of control. “Some parents feel threatened by that and might try to control the experience,” says Stephens. “A lot of parents want to call their kids every day on a cell phone! This can be a stifling experience for the child. Parents have to learn to trust the camp.”

“We recommend a series of well-timed letters (roughly three letters over the period of a month),” clarifies Stephens. “It’s no fun being the kid who gets no letters. And it’s embarrassing getting a letter each day. Besides, if parents are writing every day I doubt the letters contain much that is meaningful.”

“It’s therapeutic for children to receive a letter from home during the first few days of camp,” explains Stephens. “You may even have to mail this one before your child leaves for camp. The first few days will be the most difficult for your child. Write something affirming. Write: ‘we miss you,’ ‘we care,’ ‘we’re proud of your accomplishments.’ Let them know that you realize it might be challenging for them, but tell them you believe they can handle it. You may even want to include examples of times they have dealt with challenges in the past.”

Parents need to recognize that if they get no news from their kids, it’s a best case scenario. “It’s common for homesick kids to write home lots,” Stephens explains. “And don’t panic if you get a tear-stained epistle. Your child will probably be over the homesickness before you even receive the letter!”

Communication in the middle of the experience is also important. “The messages in this letter are basic: ‘I haven’t forgotten about you,’ and ‘I still love you,’ says Stephens.

The third letter should anticipate the child’s return. “Tell them you’re looking forward to seeing them,” Stephens says. “Tell them you want to hear their stories. And repeat back anything positive you’ve heard from them in earlier letters. Make it clear that you understand their struggles or accomplishments. Applaud them for scoring that goal or learning to portage that canoe. And tell them how proud you are that they were able to work though their struggle with homesickness!”

A Hero’s Welcome

The best thing parents can do for their child is give them a hero’s welcome home. “Arrange a get-together with family and a few close friends,” says Stephens. “Have dinner, ask questions about your child’s experience, sit and listen.”

Stephens cautions parents that their child has just lived through the excitement of his or her last few days at camp (probably with little sleep) as well as the trip home. “You may want to give your kid a chance to get home and regroup,” he says. “The most important thing is to let them tell their story. Make sure they know you’ve really heard them.”

“Try not to judge their story,” Stephens urges. “Instead of using phrases like ‘you should have . . . ’ ask them questions like ‘what did you do?’ and ‘what happened next?’ Recognize that kids will want to exaggerate. The greatest thing if you’re an adolescent is to make your parents believe that you had a near death experience! It’s like coming home from war and asking ‘want to see the scar?’ Relax and recognize it for what it is – pride in their accomplishments.”

“Sometimes camp is the parents’ idea rather than the kids’ idea. In situations like this, the child sometimes returns home determined to prove their parents wrong. They tell the parents how awful the experience was. But it’s amazing what happens. If the parents just listen to the stories, the child’s pride in how they handled the experience shines through!”

The final step is for parents to recognize that their child has grown through the experience and to acknowledge this by treating them in a more adult way. “Depending on the age of the child, the ‘reward’ can be anything from allowing them to go places on their own to negotiating their own curfew. Saying things like “I don’t care what you did at camp . . . this is my house . . . ” simply won’t work. Parents must honour the child’s experiences and allow the relationship to change. Start moving into a relationship where you no longer control, but rather influence and support. This marks the beginning of the movement from a parent/child relationship to an adult/adult relationship.”